The Scientific Formula For Lasting Love – Dr John and Julie Gottman

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I'd love to talk a little bit about the New book uh the love prescription seven Days to more intimacy connection and joy I've started reading that on my Kindle And I've got the physical copy arriving In the next in the next couple of days Um but it's interesting because one of The one of the claims in the book or at Least in the in the blurb is that there Is a formula for a good relationship and If you just I almost the vibe that I got Was that hey if you follow the formula And just do these seven things across These seven days or however however long It takes you will just almost magically Improve the quality of your relationship Uh so I wonder if you can just kind of Riff on that a little bit like what is This formula for love thank you Sure so one of the things is being nice To one another So you know Giving a part of compliments uh you know Uh catching a partner doing something Right and and communicating that Communicating respect and affection and Words letting your partner know how Attractive they are to you and how Irresistible they seem at times you know Those that kind of positivity is very Very critical another one is Turning toward it turns out to be a very Powerful thing in a relationship so you Know in our apartment lab we saw 130

Newlywed couples and followed them for Six years We discovered that a lot of time when They're just kind of hanging out in this Apartment lab one person will try to get The other person's attention or share Something humorous or you know some Interesting story that they've heard or Are reading about and then they try to Connect they make a bid for connection And then the cameras in the lab always Swung to the other person to see the Response and there were one of three Responses turning toward which was you Know really acknowledging the connection You know one person might say Oh What a Beautiful boat that is you know going by And if the other person said yeah huh That was turning toward because they Didn't respond at all that was turning Away or if they responded irritably Would you be quiet I'm trying to read That was turning against So when we followed couples the the 17 Couples who divorced one another after Uh six years after the wedding uh when We looked back six years earlier they Had turned toward these bids only 33 Percent of the time Whereas the couples who are still Together six years earlier had turned Toward the bids 86 percent of the time You know huge difference And we also discovered that turning

Toward is like an emotional bank account That you build when you really connect With your partner when your partner Wants to connect with you then During conflict You have more of a sense of humor about Yourself and about one another you can Laugh together and you can be Affectionate even when you disagreeing And it reduces physiological arousal so Turning toward is another one that's Very very powerful and when people Become aware of that as a tool of Connecting then the relationship Improves quite dramatically right so in This book what we're doing is each day We're giving couples little thing to do Little 10-minute thing to do every Single day like one day we'll be giving Compliments you know really expressing Fondness and admiration a second day Will be look for what your partner is Doing right And not just wrong right and point it Out and say thank you to your partner You know third is listening you know Talking about your needs with one Another what do you need and we Emphasize you should bring up your needs As a positive need rather than a Negative need and what that means is That you ask for what you do want Not what you don't like or you present Don't bring that up because that's going

To sound like criticism instead flip it On its head and say I would love it if You clean the dishes three times a week That would be such a big help to me That's a positive me so uh people Present you know on I forget which day They talk about one need they have with Their partner that can allow their Partner to shine for them It's not a criticism it's the opposite Right another one is honoring each Other's dreams so talk about what maybe Deeply hell dream you have for something You want to do something you want to Experience something you want to feel Whatever it is Share that with your partner and really Listen to what your partner says about That question too So you know there what we hope to see if People practice this every day for seven Days is that from before they started it To the end of the week they'll see a Little bit of change maybe little Something feels different and they can Talk about which one of those little Prescriptions really made a difference For them Now it doesn't mean everything gets Fixed in seven days and then you can go Back to being whoever you were before no It's instead that you're learning how to Do something a little different that Deepens the Friendship deepens emotional

Intimacy which of course opens up to you Know what you know more sexual intimacy And helps you when you have to talk About conflict continue those practices Especially the ones you found the best For you and your partner And you'll see over time you know the Relationship is doing this over time big Change Hey friends thank you so much for Watching if you enjoyed this clip then Click here for the full unedited episode And if you like that then do please Consider subscribing to the channel it Means a lot thank you so much and have a Great day bye

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