High Performance Psychologist: The Secret To Happiness Is Vulnerability

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Weโ€™ve all experienced moments when we want to express vulnerability, but our mind holds us back. I often find myself in this situation, and in this candid conversation with Dr. Aria, I delve into my inner thoughts on the matter. Dr Aria is a high-performance psychologist and mindfulness specialist who developed a science-based method called Focused Insight Training to help people stay mentally and physically fit for life. Enjoy!

00:00 Intro
03:35 The struggle with being vulnerable
22:40 Intuition vs rationalisation
26:20 Intuition evolves into change
31:25 Fear as a core value
35:30 When reality clashes with expectation
42:30 Pleasure vs joy
52:45 The mind thinks, the heart knows
56:20 How to know your truth
59:33 Sharing in the face of fear

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One of my core values was share without Fear I realized that that's the phrase That I need to tell myself one way to Tweet that would be share in the face of Fear O if I were to share in the face of fear I would tell my mom I love her more Often so what about texting her calling Your mom now sure my fer all right just Texted her I love you with a little kiss Emoji and you didn't come bu into flames No I managed it you're the master of a Guest house and each day it's about Seeing who arrives at the house ah right Now there's fear here and we can move to A place where we no longer try and Reject the fear yeah or push it away Because whatever we resist will persist Fear will always exist it's what do we Do in the face of it nice that's great [ย __ย ] is a fabrication of the Mind the Mind will say the world should be this Way but the truth Is and is there anything else that's on Been on your mind or is there anything Else that brings up frustrations or Negative Emotions I'm just going to think out Loud here uh one thing that I've kind of been thinking about for a While Is that I feel like I don't experience Much of a range of human emotion in that I'm generally quite tranquil and I'm not

Sure if that I suspect part of this is The stoicism Kool-Aid that I've been Drinking for 10 plus years um and so I I I feel like I tend to rarely experience Negative emotions yeah but if I were Were to psychoanalyze myself I might Suggest that well maybe that's cuz I Have all these sort of defense Mechanisms that are in in place that are Stopping me from being vulnerable and Therefore stopping me from experiencing The full range of human emotion because I'm scared of something or other Um that's a bit that I've never quite Figured out yeah I've always been like H I wonder if psychedelics would would be A way of getting through that but yeah Yeah we could explore that as well nice Yeah so do you want to start how do you Want to start with the what came up in The Yeah I guess if this were a normal Coaching session and like let's say it Was the first time that we were we we've Had our intro intro call and now it's It's like right first coaching session Yeah how would how would you normally go About it as far as first coaching Session I'd ask what would be critical For you to resolve right now and is this Like in personal life or business life Or could be anything that comes to mind A lot of the time whenever I speak to CEOs or people who are doing well in

Business it's actually the personal Realm which is impacting the most is Beginning to creep into their head space Their energy Their their cognitive real Estate and so it's actually These struggles or dilemmas or an area Where they feel stuck in their life I Don't know if I could be just bushing Myself but I feel like life is just Generally good and um I'm just trying to Think what are the what are the areas in Which I guess I would feel stuck Yeah I guess I don't I I don't really Relate to the the idea of feeling stuck Yeah I don't think I feel stuck in any Era of my life yeah um well why don't we Go to what came up in the conversation Sure so whenever we were Talking this part came up with your Partner are we mentioning her name yeah Let's call her Jane Jane Jane so Whenever we whenever we had our Conversation your relationship with Jane Came up in terms of what you do whenever You give a compliment yeah can you tell Me about that yeah so um so certainly Thing I think I I think I've I've I've Gotten slightly better at this over time But when giving J so a for for months I Just never really said anything nice to Her um and it was only many months into A relationship that she was like you Know I'm surprised that you don't

Compliment me very much and I was like What I I I kind of didn't didn't even Realize that I didn't do that I didn't Do that and Then when I would notice her looking Really nice or I just wanted to comment That hey you look really beautiful today I would feel a sort like a massive sense Of cringe at like saying that yeah and I Had to be like I I would you know I Learned The you Know just say it in a kind of uh kind of Joking way yeah um so even before we go There yeah if we split that up initially You noticed that you wouldn't give Compliments what would have Been the worst thing about giving a Compliment the thing that I was worried About is that especially if I gave her a Compliment on like how pretty she looked Yeah that then that would badge me as Sort of just one of those guys who would Like hit on her at Uni or randomly and Like sort of that veering into like cat Calling and stuff yeah but also part of Me was worried that like I don't wanted To think that the only Reon I like her Is because she's pretty and therefore I'm not going to comment on her looks at All uh kind of thing yeah because what Would that said about you that would Have said that I'm shallow superficial [ย __ย ] basically um because having having

Read a couple of books about this you Know how To in you know book books that are sort Of like How to Win Friends and Influence People although although I don't think That talks about this specifically they Say you know compliment when you're Giving a sincere compliment you want to Compl something about the person and not About like their looks or about you know Something that they've chosen rather Than something they not chosen and so I'd always immediately Veer away from Any kind of compliments about looks yeah But I think that meant that I was just Sort of veering away from compliments in General yeah cuz also I don't really Give people compliments very often and So it just felt quite like uh to even Kind of approach that area so the first Thing you noticed is that there's Something that you wanted to do and There was something that was there that You wanted to speak out but then there Was this fear of judgment blocking you From say saying it yes and then what was The impact of not acting from that place Of Truth not much of an impact in the Short term but over time it made Jane Think that I didn't like her basically Because yeah She in her model and I think in a lot of People people's models if you like Someone then you would compliment them

Fairly regularly yeah um the whole words Of affirmation thing yeah and cuz I Wasn't doing that she felt like I didn't Really care about her yeah um and was Just sort of going through the motions Of the relationship or whatever And then what were the consequences of Of that where she was thinking perhaps He's actually not that interested yeah So there were a few occasions where her Where she felt Like um she felt quite upset Because like we'd be spending time Together and then I'd have to go Somewhere and I wouldn't like hug her Goodbye or something or hug her hello or Like say something nice to her and so She felt like she she described it as Kind of her her love tank being being Empty Yeah um and when her love tank was empty Then she would sort of feel More I guess just like feel bad um and It was good that like we you know each Every every few weeks we do a sort of Relationship review where we go through These like 10 questions on a notion Template and stuff um and this idea of This idea of compliments came up a Couple of times MH and it it it took like two or three Times for me to really clock that oh This is a thing that like I'm I'm Allowed to say something I'm allowed to

Say nice things to her and in fact this Is this is a good thing to do totally Totally so think even instantly if you Take a take a step back there's the idea Of who we should be and there's and your Mind will have an idea of what it means To be a good boyfriend and your mind Will have an idea of who you don't want To be Y and it doesn't want to be that Cat calling guy who's just picking girls Up and who's just interested in their Luks and then there's the Eternal you who have A a drive or a a movement towards what You want to Do what you want to express and i' say That's acting from a place of Truth and We'll always have this battle in life Between the mind's perception of who we Should be which will act from a place of Fear in terms of the perception of Others of us yep and there's the deeper Spring of joy and love and compassion That just wants to be expressed that Wants to say Jane I think you look Beautiful or Jane you look so hot right Now or whatever it might be yeah and Then you're describing there were times When you would feel it welling up and You'd notice you'd notice you want to Say something but then this feeling Would block you yeah yeah yeah so tell Me about that feeling it was almost the Feeling I had when you when you said

Just now Jane you look really hot right Now I was immediately like oh oh hello That's that's a bit much you know that That kind of thing yeah yeah um cuz I Guess I I associate the word hot also With like sort of slightly SD guys kind Of thing where something like beautiful Or cute it feels like it doesn't have That like overly sexualization element To it um yeah just you know Ali really Hot right now oh thank you that's Very um yeah and so talk to me around That feeling so part of it Was just feeling kind of yucky about It being CD Or something that would be objectifying Her yeah Yeah what else what else did it feel Like did you notice it in your body kind Of yeah yeah where did you feel it hard To say Um I don't often know where I feel Emotions about things yeah or did you Feel any at one point you kind of Pointed here did you feel any yeah this Kind of General vicinity yeah yeah Plexes kind of yeah and was it like a Was it like a tightness or was there Any tension yeah tension I guess yeah Some kind of tension in this sort of This sort of region of like oh uhoh yeah Yeah totally and then what happened next What would usually happen next when you Would feel that I think before we'd had

That conversation that would have Stopped me from saying the thing right After we' had the conversation a couple Of times I kind of realized that okay The person that she yeah sort of her What what she needs in the relationship Is more words of affirmation yeah I want To be the sort of person that offers Words of affirmation you know sincerely And freely and that kind of thing yeah Therefore I'm going to get over my Cringe response yeah and go for it and Just say the thing and over time with Her I've become more comfortable about Saying kind of expressing feelings and Emotions Sincerely um with my mom for example I Still really struggle to say to my mom Love you yeah cuz it's not a thing that I've said very much growing up yeah and In my Mind that's like it doesn't feel like me To say this I want to say this thing but Like I feel blocked by this this Perception of what I think I used to be When I was a kid totally which is I feel Like the version that my mom thinks I Still am and it's like then the mind Kind of gets in the way as like oh it's Just safer to just not say I love you Totally I think it's a beautiful level Of awareness to see that there's a part Of you would you say it's true that There's a part of you that wants to say

I love you and then you notice a block Y And this whole spiritual journey is About noticing that being aware of that Okay so you notice what you'd love or What you'd love to create or do or what Actions you'd want to take and then it's About being aware of what comes up and Getting really Intimately aware of and familiar with That feeling ah there's that tightness Ah there's that tension yeah ah there's That block yeah now remember you haven't Asked for the block no you haven't Created the tension the mind will do That that's what the Mind does it's just Active and it'll make assumptions and Evaluations and they'll generally be Fear-based So the first part of the journey just Noticing that okay what's coming Up and noticing noticing that feeling of No don't stay small don't say it Don't take that risk Because the world will have an idea of Who you are and even people in the past Will have an idea of who you Were and the mind is terrified of change It doesn't want To Experience change because change is UNC And the mind will find safety through Security through there being no change It being able to know what's happening And predict that going

Forwards so we stay in our comfort zone And the comfort zone is a lovely place To be but nothing beautiful grows There so if we go back and we'll come Back to your mom but even if we go back To Jane so you had it initially where There'd be the fear of how you'd be Perceived and that would prevent you From saying anything then you had that Stage of being aware of the tension and The tightness trying to hold you back And then when we were discussing it last Time you were saying you would put out The compliment but You' do it in a Certain way y can you say more about That how you Would how you'd put it out there so okay This is going to sound weird Um essentially I learned the uh Mandarin Word for a beautiful girl which is meu Menu menu yeah um cuz like a friend Taught me a friend taught it to me and It was like I at Uni we we had a friend From Singapore who was also a medic in Our year and we would just randomly say Say like kn to him you know just like And then like oh niow became just like a Bit of a like something you would say Even to people who want him and we Started greeting each other with that Kind of thing amongst our amongst our Friendship group so there was always This kind of fascination with like say

Saying things in Mandarin for some Reason yeah uh and someone taught me me You as like the the phrase for a Beautiful girl and so if I noticed Jane Was looking particularly particularly Cute I would say oh me You you know and cuz in my mind that's Like I'm telling her that she's Beautiful but like it doesn't require Any vulnerability to do so it's just Purely like oh I'm just yeah I'm just Kiding l so you'd almost present it in The form of a joke yeah yeah and can you Notice any other ways that you'd express It but it would be almost comical Something that you could say oh only Joking there were times where I would Say something like oh you look very Pretty what have you done today as like A following following following that up Yeah done something with your hair or Something like that because and I and I Kind of recognized at the time that cuz I felt uncomfortable with saying oh you Look really pretty today yeah and just Leaving it there totally that I had to Follow it up with a sort of like hey I'm I'm saying this because I'm asking a Question rather than I'm just saying it Because I want to say it totally totally And so one fear is that You' have been Perceived as being shallow or just focus On leuks yep were there any other Fears of putting out there in that way

Yeah I think I think ultimately it was Like uh fear Of fear of being sincere fear of being Vulnerable fear of being laughed at Almost I wonder I wonder if this is a This is a hangup from the days of being In an old boy school where any amount of Anything resembling emotional expression Is met with h gay or what you know Things like that And you know any any time you know back In the day someone someone would say say Something nice to one of their friends They'd have to follow it up with no homo Like I'm not gay but like totally that's A cool hairir hairstyle kind of thing Totally and I think it's like that sort Of emotional Suppression yeah make was was previously Contrib was was contributing to my kind Of cringe response at to at saying Something sincere because what would it Mean to be emotional or to be vulnerable Or To say something in that area yeah I Guess in in the days of school that Would have been meant some amount of Mockery yeah yeah and you you'd be Mocked for Being what would you say about that what Would people think about that person They think that they are how would you Fill in the Gap oh like gay would have Been the word people used back in 2005

To 2012 yeah it's now gone out of Fashion I don't I don't know what the Kids call it these days but totally and If you if you're G that regard yeah what What was underpinning that what did that Mean what was underpinning that I was in Like your why was it bad that was bad Because it's Like I mean a because just at the time Gay was just used as a slur um very Casually but I think more Like oh and so when when I was in when I Was in schools pre coming to the UK so Before the age of eight Um There there was a a a distinctive um a Distinctive thing that happened when I Was in like a year two or something I Was in the school in in southern Africa In lutu and I had these two friends um These two female friends when I was like Six years old or something um and we Would have lunch together with a little Lunch boxes on the field in school and I Remember one time I was like I stayed Late in class to talk to the teacher About something yeah and then I asked One of the guys oh have you do you do You know where like Clarissa and S went I think I think that was their names and The guy was like wait what you want to Know where those two went huh Ali's got A girlfriend and then that became like You know the kids were chanting Ali's

Got a girlfriend Ali's got a girlfriend Yeah and I think that was that was quite Like oh I didn't realize you you want Not to be friends with girls kind of Thing totally um and Then even growing up In sort of beyond beyond the age of six Sort of the rest the rest of primary School there was just this kind of vibe That if you're a if you're a guy you Don't express your emotions otherwise You're a girl right so it was in primary School is you're a girl in secondary School it became your G it became your Gay that was the kind of totally the the Thing that stopped uh people from Expressing their Emotions and the two could be linked in That whenever we're thinking someone Who's gay we might associate that with Femininity yeah so it's almost as if Okay this idea of masculinity is that You shouldn't be feminine you shouldn't Be Emotional and the mind will then create An idea around who we are I'm not an Emotional person or it's yeah it's Dangerous to be emotional or to speak in An emotional way or to tap into my Emotions and I come across it time and Time again but growing up and I had it To my role models Were He-Man And uh Hulk Hogan and Arnold sweger and

SVA Salone and we had this idea of what It means to be a man And often it very centered on Masculinity and very centered on the Mind and over time what happens is we Begin to shut down to our heart we begin To close off to that Emotional world now that intuitive part Of us the the heart in US is where the Magic is that's where love compassion Wisdom grows and Flourishes and it's all what leads to Connection and all of us are seeking Connection we're seeking connection with Our work with our family with our Partners and what can happen is the more We go into our mind now particularly if You have a brilliant powerful mind the More we go into that the more we can Close off to our heart and the more that We can begin to judge what it means To integrate our masculine and our Feminine and so we lose balance and we Get caught up in being rational and Objective and there's less feeling Whereas there there's a source of Intuitive wisdom in that side of the Heart which a lot of men just over years Move away from does any of that connect Yeah there was one time Where when Jaden and I first started Dating Um one of my friends at the time would Uh ask like what do you what do you like

About her mhm and I always found it hard To articulate that other than be like I Don't know I just kind of do um Yeah and this friend would say that oh Well you know if you that that that That's not particularly like emotionally Mature of you if you can't like Articulate what you like about someone Like kind of thing and I kind of got me Thinking it's Like that of The if I were asked to write a 2000w Essay on what I like about Jane or John Or like any of my friends really I could Probably come up with something but it Would be somewhat disingenuous because It's like that's a realm within which The intellectualization of what I like About my friend Catherine for Example it doesn't it doesn't like Scratch the surface of what I actually Like about Katherine yeah which is more Like vibes and like it's it's almost Hard to use language to describe that Like relationship and that connection um And I think in the past I've certainly Felt that and and certainly the way I Talk with my team about work stuff as Well is That Intuition like if if if someone is Trying to use intuition to back up their Point mhm I'm always like look unless You can give me some facts we we're

Going with my with we're going with my Feelings rather than yours on this one Yeah um kind of thing yeah and I wonder If that's like an over I don't know I Feel like that's the right thing to do But yeah yeah yeah Einstein Einstein Said something along the lines of the Rational mind being a faithful servant And the Intuitive mind or the intuitive part of Us Being almost like a sacred gift but We've come To prioritize and Place more Credence And value on Rationality and definitely part of my Journey over the last couple of years Has been seeing that there's intuitive Wisdom that sometimes draws us towards Someone or something that we can't quite Explain that we can't put into words but It feels aligned or it feels right or we Could meet someone where we have no Reason to doubt them but something feels Off Y and there even been some studies To show that looking at high inuitive Business Leaders compared to low Inuitive the high inuitive Business Leaders 81% were likely to double their business In 5 years and it's about 25% for low Intuitive have there been no times for You where you where your intuition does Kick in or would you more often than not

Stick with the mind I think usually if My intuition is saying something I can Generally find a way to write Rationalize that thing as well totally Um totally so it's not it's not it's Rarely an either or Choice yeah but That's a brilliant level of awareness to See that your intuition is leading and Then the mind will often find reasons to Back it up and it's a little bit like Debating once you know that you're Committed to putting something forward You find reasons to say that I'm right And you're wrong yeah but I think the Key is distinguishing between the Intuitive part and the rational part And the Heart part and the mind and when Intuition is telling you to say Something or to do something like I Think you look really cute or pretty in That example and the mind says don't do It like don't put yourself out there It's too risky it's not worth it but Deep down you know what it is that feels True and right for You the thing that surely we not saying That the thing that feels intuitive and Right is always the direction that we Should go like the mind will often come Up with totally reasonable objections to Doing the Thing um yeah well why would you do what Doesn't feel right to me it feels very Right

To be very open about like my life and My finances and all this kind of stuff Because it's like helps people and Inspires some people and makes for good Videos and all this kind of stuff and it Feels like it Vibes with one of my core Values which is authenticity and Transparency and things on the other Side of the coin there is sort of as as The numbers get bigger there's an Increasingly uh high risk of like Security stuff happening right um in Terms of thefts and blood burglaries and Ransoms and kidnappings and you know all Of the potentially dangerous things that Could happen to someone who flexes about How rich they are on the internet Essentially yeah um and at the point Where like right now it's not at the Point where that changes the The decision yeah but I guess I guess if You know like a family were involved and I was genuinely concerned for the safety Of my family I mean that at that point The intuition would be stop making these Videos like it wouldn't really be in I Wouldn't I already feel like it's right To make these videos but the Mind Is Telling Me watch out for the safety of Your family I suspect I suspect Intuition would vibe in that direction As well completely so part of it seeing That intuition will evolve and change so It's not that just because we act from a

Place of intuition it means that given Every circumstance we Will act in the same way actually when We're very open and moving from a place Of Consciousness or openness yeah and We're not blinded by the thoughts and Emotions of the Mind we've got Clarity Of Vision so the mind will create filters Through which we see the world the more That we can remove those filters the More clarity of vision we have and the More clarity of vision we have the more Sensitive response that we have so Whenever I pick up this cup I know Exactly how much pressure to apply to The glass in order to pick it up it's Very intuitive yeah that will be a Different level of pressure to pick up This cup or to pick up that piece of Sushi so it will continually evolve and Change and there could be a point Where for you intuitively it does not Seem true and right for you to be Continuing To do the same things that you did that Got you to this point yeah so it can be A con Evolving but I'd say the key part is at Least to be aware Of intuitively what feels true and right For you and if there are times that you Go against that we we can do that with Awareness yeah so when you're coaching

CEOs like if if it's a business decision For example like do you kind of Encourage them to think what how they Feel intuitively about a situation or Like what how does how does that process Work the mind will often Create confusion because it can see it Both ways and it can argue it both ways But whenever we can find a place of Stillness where the mind isn't being as Noisy it will it becomes so much clearer What what intuitively is is the next Move and so I'd say that whenever we get Caught up in in our mind we get caught Up in in paralysis because we're dealing With anal is whereas from a level of Consciousness we're dealing with Awareness and with awareness there's Clarity we just you just see it whenever You can allow the emotion and the mind To Settle the water is still and so you can See through it and you can see see just What the next step might be so i' say Completely it's about naturally Listening to the mind because the mind Will give you insights so whenever you Said that you don't want to be Someone who comes across as being Shallow or superficial or objective what Does that tell you that you Value I Value kind I guess the opposite of those Thing so um depth and connection Beyond

Like rather than shallowness and Superficiality yeah so you value depth You value Connection By See think her beauty what what do that Tell you I value beauty yeah yeah yeah That you have an appreciation for beauty Yeah so you're so multifaceted you value Depth you value connection you have an Appreciation for beauty once we know That how could you express that from a Place of Truth with Jane if she came Walking in right now and you thought she L cute and I thought you look Hot I wouldn't say a Thing what What could you say to Her oh Jane you're looking really lovely Tonight yeah yeah just leave it that Full stop yeah Completely and that's the way of life We we take action and then and then it's Just pausing and seeing seeing what Happens and depending on the other Person's reaction we we can explore that But what's more important is that you Move from a place of Truth in line with Who you are because the truth is you Know who you are M you know Ali your mind will say oh the Fear is they will think that I'm Superficial or objectifying what is the Truth that you

Know that I don't think that's how I am You know that's not who you are yeah I Know it like having just met you I know That that's not who you are that' be Like saying you're a tomato like you're Not a Tomato you you're a beautiful man with Depth and connection and you care deeply About other people feeling valued and Not Feeling Objectified beautiful but if the mind Gets involved it will prevent us from Sharing and sharing is then sharing Openly our only task in life is to know Our truth and act from that Truth and so last week when when we were Um we were doing the session with with a With with our coach for for the whole Team and one of the things he asked us To do is figure out in in the areas of Health work and Relationships what is one identity that We wanted to kind Of uh we we we sort of aspired to be Like and then what were three of The Three core values associated with that Identity yeah and in the work context um One of my core values was the phrase Share without Fear and I realized that that's the Phrase that I need to tell myself Whenever I think oh I I would love to Make a video about X but oh no hang on a

Will will will the video not perform how How will it perform what of the numbers Going to look like is this too Niche a Topic for like the mainstream audience To care about etc etc is this is this Not interesting enough is it not Valuable enough totally do I need to add 18 times as much content for this to Make it to make it a valuable piece of Content but I find that the phrase share Without fear Yeah well I'm Sharing yeah one way to tweet that would Be share in the face of fear Oh Nice that's good feel the fear and do it Anyway kind of thing because what's true The TR the truth is fear has arisen yeah And that's natural yeah you have a human Mind so the byproduct will be that you Experience human emotions you're the Master of a guest house and each day It's about seeing who are arrives at the House who's knocking on the door you Open up and you see who's there ah right Now there's fear Here that's not who I am it's just a Guest and we can move to a place where We no longer try and reject the fear Yeah or push it away because whatever we Resist will Persist whatever we try and block will Remain There and that's what leads to paralysis

But if we can almost begin to welcome The fear the meaning of life is to Experience life right now you're being Presented with fear your only task is to Experience that Fear CU you're bigger than the fear Where we get stuck is when we think that We are the fear and it's consuming it's Who we are but you're so much bigger Than it the fear is just the object of The Consciousness and your Consciousness Which is so much bigger and this whole Journey is about spiritual expansion Where where our Consciousness is so big It can hold all of it it's just it's Just a part here or a part there that we Can see but that's not who we Are so we don't want to reject or deny The Human Experience there's fear here But what is your task to share Yeah I think I think I was thinking of It the sense of like I shouldn't feel Fear for this thing totally I should Just yeah totally the mind will come in And judge judge itself for feeling what Is Arisen yeah And then it'll almost think Well I'm almost not there yet because I'm I'm the one experiencing fear and I Should be Fearless almost as if I'm not Good enough in that regard yeah but for Me what's what's more impressive what's More admirable what's more inspiring to

Have one person who has no fear and who Shares or another person who's facing That fear and feels it and knows that It's there and still Shares now I'm buying your boot now I'm Getting Your getting your YouTuber Academy now I'm doing all these things because Because that's real and I feel it too And everyone else feels it Too fear will always exist it's what do We do in the face of it nice that's Great just thinking what what are the Other areas of my life in which I'm Telling myself I I should be feeling Something or should not be feeling Something this word should I think is Interesting completely should is a Fabrication of the Mind the mind will Say the world should be this way but the Truth Is the world is both brutal and Beautiful and it's the mind's idea that Labels it as good or bad and as soon as The mind gets involved and creates a sh Prepare for suffering What do you mean all Misery arises from reality clashing with Expectation all of It we have an idea of how we should be Or someone else should be or our life Should be and our little dictator in our Head says this is the way it should be And I know best but the world isn't

Playing suit yeah it's been unfolding For 13.8 billion years and it's going to Keep on unfolding for another trillion Years it's fine it's doing Okay the mess is inside us when we're Saying this is the way that life should Be no no no no No and we even have to be so careful About the language that we Use so when we think I aspire to be this Person what is the premise that you're Not that person totally yeah totally how Can you be someone you're not you're not A tomato so you can't be a tomato yeah You aspires to be Fearless but you're Not Fearless yeah so rather than Aspiring to be different part of it is Seeing that those values you described That is who you are Ali that's there Already you don't need to do anything to Make it happen all you have to do like We talked about before is remove the Blocks to it flowing through you Courage Authenticity strength Innovation Creativity that's all that's all part of You wisdom Joy love that's already there You don't need to do Anything to create it or find it it's Like someone sitting on a chest looking For Treasure they're they're already Sitting on the CH chest that contains Already and we have to do is slow down And look at where the blocks

And the blocks will come from the mind The shs the Ideas the Identities [ย __ย ] Identities and identity is something That you want to wear like you wear your Clothes sure put it On put it on for this occasion or that Occasion but don't think that's who you Are you're not your clothes we want to Treat it the way that often people treat Shopping I'd say gender typ Ty Al Females they'll go and they'll try On 20 clothes and return 90% of them Yeah you know we want to wear them Lightly it's same with their Beliefs as soon as we get attached to an Identity as soon as we get attached to a Belief prepare to be Broken it's like taking a hammer and if You take a hammer and hit a piece of Slate it's going to smash into 100 Pieces mhm you take a hammer and you Smash it into sand and not make any Imprint but over time the wind will blow It and it surface out you take a hammer And you smash it into water and it cuts Through but as soon as you remove the Hammer it just moves back to its Original position so it's about being Being fluid about moving from that place Of Consciousness which cannot be defined Which cannot be put in a box it cannot Be labeled because it's so much more

Nice what what comes to you with that I Think that the the should stuff is Particularly interesting Cuz at one point I want to I want to Write a book slash do some kind of thing Around a language That language that doesn't serve us I Think the phrase I don't have time uh it Does not serve us because it removes Autonomy from us yeah and in reality It's I'm choosing not to make the time Whatever the whatever the situation is Um I kind of think the word Stress stressful does not serve us at Times Um I feel like yeah this generally Complaining also in in in whatever Format but i' I've I've been thinking For a while around this word should and That is there any circumstance in which The word should is actually useful or is It just basically should we try and Blanket B the word should from our brain And replace it with something else um Like would like to or have the option of Choosing to dot dot dot completely it's Like I can't M yeah you choose not To or like you're saying should should Is A a value judgment on something I Remember I was on the Savannah in the Masa Mara in Kenya and I was watching a Baby Leopard feeding by its mother on this

Baby Gazelle is that a good thing or a bad Thing should should that happen or Should it Not yeah it's kind of meaningless Totally I mean from the position of the Leopard it should happen from the Position of the gazelle it shouldn't Happen there is no should in nature yeah If you go out into the world and part of This journey is beginning to experience Life rather than seeing everything as How It impacts others is taking that step Back and seeing that this is just life Unfolding and it's a gift to be a part Of it we're here for such a short period Of time and we're just here to Experience it so like you were saying What would you love what would you like To do because there's a war going on and The war is between the external world And other people and our minds saying What should Happen and then there's that internal Intuitive place of what you would love To Happen and I've I've seen and I'm sure You might be able to testify to seeing The consequences of what happens when You Follow what others or the world or your Parents or even your mind's perception Says you should

Do and it's not a pretty place that you End [Music] Up moving from that place of what you Know what you would love that place of Truth does it involve facing fear like You said Yes but the rewards are greater than we Can ever imagine how do you think about The balance here Between like for Example I may want to after This head down the road and get like Three scoops of ice cream but part of me Is like well no I I also want to improve My fitness and like reduce my visceral Abdominal fat because that's bad for me Yeah therefore I shouldn't go and eat That ice cream right um and so the these Are it's sort of Like I might feel in my heart that I Really want the ice cream but also I've Like the higher cognitive apparatus that I've taken on has decided that that's a Bad idea right what do you do in that Case I say there's a difference between Pleasure and Joy now the mind is built to seek Pleasure avoid pain and conserve energy So that's what it will be led by seek Pleasure go for the ice cream Avoid pain don't work out conserve Energy stay in sofa and watch Netflix Joy is so much deeper there's a

Richness to Joy there's there a great Amount of joy that can come even through Suffering it's the reason why people Will challenge themselves to run a half Marathon or a marathon it's the reason That athletes put themselves through Phenomenal hardship the reason that we Are always driven to try and progress Because it brings a a deeper rooted Sense of Joy the more that we can move From a place of joy that can often bring Hardship it can bring suffering it can Bring pain at times but it's in line With this bigger Calling so I'd say that the the pleasure Drives from the mind is noticing when The mind will have an idea and it'll Tell you Ali Go and do this go and do this go and do This yeah but it's an addiction yeah and There's a difference in feeling between The addictive mind and an open heart so The more that we can begin to this whole Work that I do is beginning to tease Apart the difference between the two Notice which one's Leading and whenever we go back to it This battle it's between the external And the Internal now the mind gets caught up in The the external because it's built for Survival and survival is based on what We have around Us but if we dig deeper what are we all

Looking For all of us essentially want a sense Of peace and want a sense of joy for This deeper happiness M the mind will Say you know what you want Is a billion dollars or what you want Is a beautiful partner m But if we had a genie that came in And we rubbed it little belly and Someone said Okay I want a billion Dollars and every time I spend money It'll Retop the genie says okay I'll give you That but on one condition for the rest Of your life you're going to be Miserable and Discontent And Restless would we choose It I've seen very the answer would be no We wouldn't want to be in misery or you Can be married to this beautiful woman But you're going to be unhappy and Irritable and feeling lost and depressed Feeling suicidal or we wouldn't want it So we don't want the thing what we want Is that sense of peace and peace and Happiness is always an inside job an Inside job as in comes from here it's Got nothing to do with external world There's nothing externally that can Bring us peace there's nothing Externally that can bring us joy it can Give us moments of pleasure it can give

Us Thrills but that deeper sense of caless And serenity and peace and Clarity That's Inside now when we move from that place We can still achieve great things it's Not about demonizing the external but We'll be moving from place of Freedom Rather than from a place of fear H there's so Many Business Leaders and entrepreneurs I've worked with who started on the path With an idea of what they wanted to Create or achieve Y and generally the Dictum is or was bigger is Better I want to have a company with 100 People 200 people 300 people I want to Be growing my company and scaling it and Then and then selling it and exiting and That's right for some people but the Number of individuals I've worked with Along along the way have realized Actually that's not what I want deep Down what I want Is to maybe create a product that I'm Really proud of what I want is a small Team what I want is connection within my Company and and that's something that we Talked about have you noticed that Journey Over the years for you oh yeah very much So um that was a major turning point About 6 months ago maybe maybe a bit More where we had a session with um

Another friend who we met on the podcast Through starting off with a podcast Interview his name's Dan Priestley he Written a bunch of business books and This sort of does business coaching and Stuff um so he did a whole day team Session with us and we talked about the Difference between a lifestyle business And a per performance business mhm and You know his thing was like you know Between 3 and 12 employees with a Certain amount of Revenue per employee You're in you're in a lifestyle business Youve got freedom fun flexibilities Everyone everyone's having a great time Making loads of profit um as soon as you Get Beyond 12 people now you're in the Desert where you're too big to be small And too small to be big and now Everything goes to [ย __ย ] and and the Desert is where companies go to die when You get 40 plus people that's when You're in performance business territory Where you've already got the systems and Stuff and you're scaling and you're Spending loads of money but you're also Making loads of money you're not making Much profit but you're don't really Concerned about profit you're concerned About just building up your um uh the Assets on your balance sheet which of These businesses do you want do you want A performance business or do you want a Lifestyle business and I was like

Lifestyle business 100 50% like who the Hell wants that and he was like okay That's a good Insight um and I kind of Realized that last year when we over Hired we were we were in the desert with Like a team of like 18 20 25 people Depending on how you count it And running business was no longer fun Yeah and it felt like work yeah And yes the numbers were getting bigger But so were the costs and it's like the Profit was getting smaller it's like oh [ย __ย ] like this is the you know growth Mantra Um and since then I been like even in Even before then you I've spoken to some People who have like you know compan is Valued at like 300 million or whatever And you they messaged me being like hey Man any tips on starting a YouTube Channel I'm like dude why do you want to Start a YouTube channel you've got a $300 million company like yeah but you Know it's not that fun like investors And faf and team and problems and things I just love what you do you know you can Make videos about whatever you want and You make money doing it uh So I I mean obviously there's a level of Survivorship bias here and that the Sorts of people that will message me are People who are thinking in those terms And I don't really hang out with the Valley billionaire types um for whom

They really love the whole big business Thing mhm um even the other day I was Speaking to speaking to another friend Who's had like phenomenal success with Like books and traditional media and Like movies and Hollywood and things and He was saying that you know I I I Thought I wanted all these things and Then I got them and I realized it's it's More fun and reaches more people to just Make YouTube Videos despite being able to be on TV And movies and things I was like damn This is Surprisingly helpful insights from um Cuz whenever I come to second guessing Myself Thinking oh you know if I if I meet Someone who's got a $10 million business Or something oh that's cool and then and The team has realized this as well They're like anytime Ali goes to a Conference for the next 3 days he's Going to be on growth mode and we just Need to ignore everything he says and 3 Days later that we'll level out and then We can have a conversation I was like Damn that's that's a good Insight Totally and that's where all these parts Come Together when if you ask the world what Particularly a western capitalist Society what should you do yeah Generally the answer would be scale and

Grow yeah whenever we look At what intuitively feels true and right For You you know it's the lifestyle Business and your mind could have Moments of saying well no but I should Stay on those path I should Aspire for More I should want the100 million Business totally and then it's like hell No completely completely so that's That's the path that's this journey of Of beginning to tease apart the Direction the mind will pull us in and Moving from that place of Truth within You that's teasing Apart what the external say should Happen and knowing what you know to be True and right for you there's the whole Like mimetic desire thing you we want What other people want and it's hard to Then disentangle the whether it's a true Internal desire or it's the mind talking And stuff uh for example the other day I Saw Porsche takan on the road and I was Like well I've had a Tesla Model 3 for a While it's been a few years business has Grown bigger Porsche take on would be Pretty cool I mean it has got a very Nice interior and like like you know the Charging infrastructure is blah blah Blah blah blah blah yeah and I'm sure I'm going to be thinking about this for The next several Years

But is is that the true me thinking I Want a Porsche can or is that the mind Telling me that I want a Porsche how do I know the difference you answered it in Your language you said I'll be Thinking the Mind Thinks and the heart just Knows so whenever it came To Priestly was it Priestly was talking To about uh lifestyle over Performance you just knew yeah you Didn't I I didn't I didn't even need to Vaguely think about it no you didn't Think about it this is it totally Totally you just knew how did you know Because you knew yeah okay so at some Point I'll test drive the for Takeen and see if I just Know like all right fair enough Different why not part of it see it Depends what we are looking to get from What is our mind saying that this that The Porsche will give will give us if we Think it will give Us a sense Of lasting Joy we're being deluded but if we can See it for what it is which is you know I really appreciate this car and it's Beautiful and I would like the pleasure And the thrill of driving It yeah fair enough and when we can see It for what it is yeah it might give us More options well you know what I might

Do I might rent rent that car whenever I Really feel like taking it out and once A month or or during the summer I'm Going to take a super car and do a road Trip for 3 or four weeks so we can still Have all these different experiences but It won't be driven from a place of Need where we get caught up is when we Have an attachment and an attachment in The Buddhist sense is this idea or Belief that I need this to be Happy yeah and part of the path is Seeing what our attachments are what do We think we need to be happy is it the Car is it the business is it the Relationship is it a Lifestyle Because the truth is we can have all of Those things and I've seen it and still Be miserable inside m There's an external game and there's an Internal game and unless we pay more Attention to the inner Game we'll gain the world but lose our Soul the scriptures spiritual writings And teachings have said it for Millennia You know what does it profit a man to Gain the world but forfeit his Soul it's the reason why billionaires Commit suicide M it's the reason why People with power and status and Prestige can be depressed or alcoholics Or addicted to drugs Because what the world sells us turns

Out to be a lie and our path is finding Truth find Truth move from that place of truth and The rest takes care of itself so I guess What are The what are some strategies that we can Use To or that I can use to find I guess in Yeah to find what my truth is what like How do you how do you figure this out so There's nothing to figure out figuring Out is on the level of the Mind it's about beginning to create Space to notice when there's a Block so if we take it back To your example Jane is beginning to Notice when there is a part of you that Is blocking something off or moving from A place of Fear there're two forces in life and Only two fear and love and our task is To begin to notice when we're moving From a place of Fear H and our choice is to move from a place Of Love Now that can involve facing Fear but we're coming from a different Place We're not doing something based On what we're afraid someone else will Think or what it will mean about is We're moving from a place of wisdom and Joy and love so in that instance of Sharing with Jane it would just be in

Every little micro moment just tapping In and bringing ourselves back to our Center rather notice whenever we're in Her head and all that activity and begin To slow down We have to create space for it one of The biggest problems is we're all in the Move so much we're in this Constant mouth wheel and we're Constantly just active it's about Slowing down and creating space whenever We can create space Solitude is a big Part of it having time just for Yourself when you have space when you Have Solitude and you create that for Yourself Everything begins to settle M and then You have more Clarity and and Brilliant ideas will Come to you about your career or about What your relationships mean to you or About what you'd love to Happen but the first place we have to Start with is allowing that to arve we Don't need to create it it'll it'll flow Through you yeah I find when I'm on a Plane with just a journal in my hand Yeah come up with some great insights Yeah like oh yeah yeah yeah Yeah so going back to With with Jane you were thinking at one Point you were in a way making a joke About something that was

Truthful and even then we want to pause And hold on and See you are not a joke your relationship Is not a joke your life is not a Joke and so it's about being aware of When the mind will turn it into a joke Or diminish it or demean it because that Is not Truth and so when we move back to that Place of truth it's end of Sharing in the face of Fear so if you were to if you were to Share in the face of fear Now what would that look Like in the Jane situation or in the Jane situation or even with anyone else If I were to share in the face of fear I Would tell my mom I love her more often Yeah that would be sharing in the face Of fear yeah it's like I've got the fear I've got the block but it's like cool Hey there's that block yeah completely Okay so let's take that so your mom Would be letting her know that you love Her and when you tap into that deeper Place you can feel that feels true and Right for you that is something you'd Like to do yeah and then you've got the Mind Sphere which would Be what would it say oh LOL she's going To see through this she's going to think You've read a self-help book or talked To to someone on the podcast who told

You that it's a good thing to do for Your relationship to tell your parents That you love them well this is Insincere that's what the mind is saying Yeah totally now part of it seeing that If she chooses to think that that is her Right actually she has the freedom To she Could judge you for it or chastise you For it or try and place you in a box for It but that doesn't matter What anyone else says or does tells you Nothing about you it only tells you What's going on inside of them and we Can only know or we can Only assess other than what we Do not on what the response is so we Continually go back to the freedom comes From continually going back to the two Things we can control our approach and The actions we take everything else we Like go go of you like it great you Don't that's okay the more we move from A place of Truth the people that are Meant to be closer to us will come Closer and the people who are meant to Be more distant will begin to move away We don't have to create balance yeah Everyone gets concerned with creating Balance but they try and do it on a Mental level but there's too many Variables to be able To to decipher or Encode I mean what would balance even

Like it' be a mental conundrum on on any Level do I do three hours of this and There's two parts of that and one here Whereas when you move from a place of Truth equilibrium will find Itself so what about texting or calling Your mom Now sure I F Go all right just to her I love You with a little kiss Emoji and you you didn't com bus into Flames no I managed It yeah and it can just then be taking a Little step M you know and even if it's A conversation Around we can share from a place of Truth even about her fear you know just So you know Mom there something which I'm working on it's got nothing to do With you I know it's about me and I Actually I really struggle with saying I Love You And and you haven't done anything wrong Because this isn't about you it's about Me but I can tell that my mind is Worried about sharing that and think That if I Do you'll maybe think I've read a Self-help because or spoken to someone On a podcast and it's not real or that In the strange way you're kind of seeing Through it and I can't explain it but I Just want you to know that I love you

And you don't have to say anything or You don't have to do anything about it But that's the truth yeah I think it's That thing of noticing When it's fear fear or Love that's that's not yet a default for Me to kind of notice that yeah I'll Often notice if I like catch myself Grumbling about something and you're Like uhuh things find us as they are cuz I've I guess trained that thought Process over 10 years of reading Stoicism and stuff but am I am I moving From a place of fear or from a place of Love right now I think it would be a Really good yeah good mental model Ali That'd be Beautiful if in each moment you could Just become a little bit more aware of Am I moving from a place of fear or Moving from a place of love that's It literally that's it there's nothing Else to do there's nothing else to Figure out yeah yeah it's just moving From a place of Love yeah and I guess if I'm when in those moments when I'm Overthinking oh I I I I don't want to Film this video yet cuz it's not it's Not yet good enough it's like am I Really moving from a place of Love or From from a place of fear yeah if I'm Moving from a place of love and I think Actually from a place of love this video Needs more work great yeah but often

It's fear totally totally because most People are identified with their mind Yeah cuz the mind is so active but Remember it's a servant but we've Allowed it to become the master this Whole path is about moving back to our Center creating separation from mind It's not like we said it's not peace of Mind it's peace from mind it's see that It's a tool and it's an amazing tool and It's Phenomenal what the mind can do and we Can direct the mind and give it tasks to Work on and problems to Solve but our task is to come back to That place of Center and that place of Center is that field of Consciousness And Consciousness is truth which is love So when we're moving from that place of Truth we're moving from a place of Love They're Synonymous feel like that's a good place To end this nice yeah nice all right so That's it for this week's episode of Deep dive thank you so much for watching Or listening all the links and resources That we mentioned in the podcast are Going to be linked down in the video Description or in the show notes Depending on where you're watching or Listening to this if you're listening to This on a podcast platform then do Please leave us a review on the iTunes Store it really helps other people

Discover the podcast or if you're Watching this in full HD or 4k on YouTube then you can leave a comment Down below and ask any questions or any Insights or any thoughts about the Episode that would be awesome and if you Enjoyed this episode you might like to Check out this episode here as well Which links in with some of the stuff That we talked about in the episode so Thanks for watching uh do hit the Subscribe button if you aren't already And I'll see you next time bye-bye

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